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To Talk or Not to Talk Should I talk with my child about a sensitive
issue - or should I simply ignore it, hopefully
my child will never face this particular issue?
Samia El-Mos
Ignoring the problem, again, does not
solve the problem. It leaves our child
unprepared and unprotected. It turns our child
into a "sitting duck", a prey for criminals and
crooks.
So what is the right thing to do? There is
only one thing to do, and that is to engage in
an open, honest, 2 way discussion. Don't just
forbid and that's it. Explain, in terms that are
easy to understand and appropriate for your
child's level of understanding, what the reason
is for your rules. Listen to your child, and his
take on this. Ask open ended question, to learn
if your child is already familiar with the
issue, find out what your child already knows,
explain your take on this, and listen to your
child's input.
This is true for many issues, but let take
for example the issue we were discussing last
week - safety on the Internet. In the program I
have watched on the television, a group of
criminals engaged in "chatting" with young girls
on-line, with the sole purpose of meeting them
in a private place, so that they could perform a
criminal act. These criminals were expert con
artists, and knew what to say to the young girl,
in order to gain her friendship and get her to
let her guard down.
How would you discuss this subject with
your child? Would you go to your daughter and
say to her, "The rule is that you don't go into
chat rooms"? I don't recommend it. Here is how I
would handle it: I would tell my child first of
all that I have a very important subject to
discuss with her, (discuss, a 2 way
conversation, not tell - a one way conversation)
one that has to do with her safety.
In the end, there is one thing that I would
definitely mention: not all participants on the
chat-board are criminals! Many of the
participants are honest, good young people who
just want to chat with other people on-line, but
- a small percentage of them are criminals, and
we need to protect ourselves from them. This is
important, after this discussion, if we forget
to mention this fact, our child may be left with
the impression that the world is a hostile,
dangerous place, full of criminals and bad
people. This is definitely not the impression we
want to leave on our child.
By going through all these steps, we
achieve several objectives. We make sure we
prepare our child to deal with a danger lurking
out there, we increase our child's awareness and
safety. In addition, we also provide a safe
environment for our child to openly discuss all
kinds of issues with us, honestly and sincerely.
Our child will know that he can discuss with us
any issue, that we are "on his side".
A
Gentler, Softer World
"Help, being held hostage by a 3.5 year old" was
the subject of an e-mail I have read on a
parenting board I often participate on. The
writer was a young mother, who asked for advice.
She said that her youngster all of a sudden
became very clingy, he has difficulty sleeping
through the night, he is scared of "monsters" in
his room, and prefers to sleep in his parents'
bed, or wants his mother to sleep in his room.
The mother has mentioned that she is getting
affected by the lack of sleep.
Up till here the story is typical. It is
not unusual in children at this age to go
through a phase like this, and monsters hiding
under the bed are a common occurrence at this
age. The mother even explained that there were
several changes in the young child's life
recently, like moving to a new location, going
to a new day care center, and a grandmother that
has passed away in the year before.
What surprised me was some of the
responses from other parents on the board, who
recommended to be very rigid. One even said that
if the mother does not put her foot down now,
this child will still sleep in her bed when he
is a teenager! "It will not go away on it's
own", she said. Some participants said that she
is the mother, therefore she has to make the
rules, not the child, and she should simply tell
the child that he goes to sleep alone in his
room - and that's it. "Put his back in his bed
in his room every time he comes out of there,
close the door and let him cry".
Although I agree with the fact that the
parent has to make the rules, I also believe
that showing love, warmth and empathy are super
important in parenting. Don't forget that your
child has been born not too long ago. He is now
learning about the world around him, and is now
forming his opinion about his environment. Do
you want your child to form an opinion about a
world that is loving, friendly, supportive - or
do you want your child to deem the world to be a
cold, rigid place, where the rules are set in
stone, and he is "on his own"?
When your child has difficulty coping with
frightening changes in his life, he needs you to
support him. When your child thinks that he saw
a monster under his bed, to him this monster is
real. The fear is real. He needs you to make him
feel safe and protected. Only love, empathy and
warmth will make him feel better. Rigidly
closing the door, saying, "Go back to sleep"
will not make him feel better.
Dr. Shichida, the Japanese founder of the
Shichida schools even includes family counseling
as part of his program. He demands that parents
come with their children to class, that they
have fun with their children while learning, and
that they express their love to the child and
provide a loving, caring environment for the
child.
Please, don't get me wrong. I am not
saying that you should not discipline your
child! I am advocating doing so with love,
support and empathy. When you give your child
love, warmth and a feeling of safety, you give
your child the best environment for growth,
development and learning. |